HOW TO COOK A HUSBAND
Steps:
- "RECIPE FOR COOKING A HUSBAND" A good many husbands are spoiled by mismanagement. Some women go about as if their husbands were bladders, and blow them up; then keep them constantly in hot water. Others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew by their irritating ways and words; others roast them. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good, managed this way; but they are really delicious when treated properly. In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance as in mackerel, not by the gold tint as if you wanted a salmon. Be sure to select him yourself, as tastes differ. Do not go to the market for him as the best one is brought to your door. It is far better to have none unless you will patiently learn how to cook him. A preserving kettle of the finest porcelain is the best but if you have nothing but an earthen pipkin it will do, with care. See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended with required number of buttons and strings tightly sewed on. Tie him in the kettle with a strong cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to become weak. Make a clear steady fire out of love, neatness and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and fizzes do not be anxious; some husbands do this until quite done. Add a little sugar in the form with confectioner's called kisses, but no pepper or vinegar on any account. A little spice improves him but it must be used with judgement. Do not stick any sharp instrument in him to see if he is becoming tender; stir him quite gently; watch him awhile lest he lie too flat and close to the kettle and so become useless. You cannot fail to tell when he is done. If thus treated you will find him very reliable, agreeing nicely with you and the children and he will keep as long as you want unless you become careless and let him sit in too cold a place.
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